so i cant i did much today just go grocery shopping and am about to take a shower. i didnt see anything funny maybe a funny thought here and there but nothing special. i realized that if all toilet paper was brown since the beginning of tp, then we would think that white tp is the devil. its the same thing for ketsup. purple ketsup and green ketsup is the work of he devil b/c it is not red. but if ketsup was purple since the invention of ketsup then we would think that red ketsup was the work of the devil, the right wing christian radicals the most.

can wait till wednesday...

grr..what world do we live in when parents and i might say religious ones dont let their child progress in their religious growth. its a shame they wont let me go on the trip. i earned it! i got straight A's both semesters, i graduated, and i do wahtever they tell me. they say that i cant go b/c im already going camping but its not. if you want to know its a group hike up some mountain and i have to go home every night. bah! i cant do anything real fun. heres more of their reasons:

1. you want to do everything this summer
2. you are always gone (if by the way notice i only write about the tv because thats all i have)
"i dont do anything" their response:
3. why dont you get a job
"i try so hard" their response:
4. go to college you could have at leat applied to summer school
"if i did i would still have fridays off"
5. your brother has summer school
" i had summer school too, i missed one day and by the way its a field trip day"
6. you still cant go
"but miss lisa is willing to pay for the both of us!"
7. you cant go
that was basically the conversation that me and both my parents had. it was pretty stupid, pretty gay, and pretty lame. it sucks they dont really understand that i hate being left out of things. they also dont see the fact that i dont do anything. i feel that i have worked three years to proiove myself to them and i tried my very well darndest but they dont appreciate it. they dont ever look the fact that i go to church every sunday and i dont complain. i have to admit that i like going there. i have good friends and i have good times their. this trip my very well be the last time i have QUALITY time with my church friends. i dont see them on a regular basis enough so this trip means a lot to me. its very rare that we take trips away from home with out our parents. and this is a time we do. as a youth group we enjotythis time we have together because it may be the last time. though i went there last year, i know this year will be different. i know it i feel it. i pray everyday asking my parents to change their minds but i think im am giving up im submitting to thier stupid reason. but don think its not coming at a price. if they want to see how i "get out" then ill show them. ill sit at home everyday and watch tv, because i can. i wont go anywhere and give up hanging out with my friends, going to the mall and watching movies. no more parties, movie days, ANYTHING. i know it wont effect anyone but me but its a formal protest. it may seem like a weird on but i know what im doing. yesterday and the days before that changed everything.you could say it was a defining moment in my life. i decided that i AM going to go out and do things that I want. they cant tell me what to do with my life. my dad told me the other day that i am going nowhere with my life. i say no im not. i have a plan and for once im going to try to stick to it. my plans never follow through, but this time i will. i want to and im going to try my hardest to. you still may be looking at me like what the hell stayong home? well yeah of course they say i get out too much so im going to show them that i dont. that i dont do anything productive, i rot my barins away by watching on my fat ass watching reruns and disney movies that i have already seen. so there! i dont do anything special and trips like rafting the America River is a once in a life time event and that they have taken it away from me and my brother. the fact that they dont support me or anyone in my family in whatever we do kinda bothers me and this revelation has moved me to rant on about it. i mean it is a trip and i already am going on a three day hike where ill be coming home everyday but it is the whole meaing of it all. for years they gave me and my sisters and brothers stupid excuses.upsets me that they do this because i love them. they are supposed to understand all these things. what i feel. i try had to tell them but they wont listen and they fail to admit their mistakes. they just get silent. i hate the fact that they dont communicate to me and dont give a reasonible excuse to anything. i have a million reasons why i should go and in turn they should give me a million justified reasons why i should not go. the only on they have on me is that i am already going on a hike, and they i went last year. i say this year IS going to be different, i will feel left out, its my graduation girt from the church, i go to church every sunday i shouldnt say i earned it but i enjoy going. and the fact that we get to go somewhere with some of my friends in a good religious setting is not bad at all.good friend are hard to come by and the fact that i get to go with them is nice.

Horoscope (by astrocenter.com)
You will command a great deal of power over people, dear Aries, so make sure that your intentions are good. Do not actively manipulate others into doing what you want them to do. The key is for you to work toward a common goal that will be profitable to everyone. You will easily inspire others in this way, and your collective power will be impressive. You have tremendous leadership abilities that should not be overlooked.

yeah right i wsih this was true. its kinda what i wish i felt. as a result of this let down, i feel weak and helpless. i fell left behind estranged from my parents. also my parents carry on like it is nothing to them. but they fail to realize that it is big deal to me and my friends in church. it is acutally bigger than it seems to me. it bothers me in my sleep, when i go out. it consumes my thoughts every minute as you can see. it bothers me b/c im a little older than i was last year. i know i cant have everything i want but i never argued anything i wanted and couldnt have. i pushed for a longe curfew, didnt really get it. was bothered a bit. never did anything. i was grounded for going to shows. bothered a lot but still didnt do anything about it. i was younger and i thought that next year, maybe they will be a little understanding. but no. apprently age has nothing to do with it. the way that i see it. i cant go b/c i dont do anything and that i stay home and watch tv. thats my punishment.

im not feeling yesterday and today go off to a bad start. i have to proceed.

Horoscope (by astrocenter.com)
Get out of the dark and into the light today, dear Aries. Your monkey-like nature will shine through. Feel free to act as primal as the situation allows. What is needed now is some raw action-oriented energy. You are the perfect one to provide this important piece of the puzzle. Be on the lookout for unexpected events, however, since they are more than likely to crop up on a day like today.

hmm...anyways im thinking about going to a state college i want to get out of this hell hole as soon as possible!

mmm...pringles

hmm...nothign special today, no deep thoughts, as i said nothing special. i got my graduation pictures. they are all fun and remind me of the fun times. fun times fun times. oh yeah i got stephanies post card in the mail. no pins or tickets. im kind bummed b/c i REALLY want them both. oh well. lets see i drove around and then watched kikis delivery service. good movie. and then i designed my house on the sims. i love that game. i have a pretty nice house. now i need to make neighbors and friends to move in with oh yeah and a guest house.

so i cleaned my bathroom and kinda cleaned my room. it was a great feeling getting my things done. then i went to eat and then i went to oxnard college. i wasnt the best i was wearing powerpuff girls shirt and my black pants w/o a belt so they were falling off my ass. i was looking around and then i saw two really nice looking boys in a car. they were really nice looking but i looked like crap and was really apprehensive about getting out of the car. but i had to to get my brother. no pretty boys. it was weird my phone didnt work and then it did. it was strange i was trying to call someone but the phone was not working. so i was kinda frustrated. but then the phone started working. so i was ok. nothing else today pretty boring and mundane. i jump rope and then i pretend swim. im a bored soul. im thinking about things like how will i spend my money. i dont have a lot but it a lot more than i had a month ago. it just sits there staring at me menacingly, and me i want to spend but in a way i cant. i need a job. so i will have money but then i want to go to school and stuff. but my parents are thinking ventura college or a big time college. but i dont think i want to be this close to home and that far away from southern california. i want to go to Orange Coast College. fashion merchandising i think thats what it called.

i wake up and stuff and i realize that my room is a pig house. yeah i hhave crap piled on my desk and then i have felt scraps all over the place, i have papers, my binder and a bunch of old school work thats just laying around. what should i do with them? ah i have to clean tomorrow and get an appointment and then i need to find a job then think about the future like i always do. i dream a lot about the future in the morning and in the MORNING like at 1-2am before i go to sleep. then watched some tv. the outsiders was on and it was great. i love that movie. it was like a teen girls dream. tom cruise, matt dillon, patrick something a-rather, emilio something famous, c. thomas howell, ralph machicco yeah it was a good movie. i also saw airborne later today also. i went to charisses house today to celebrate jesses bday. it was fun i cooked the meat, to the best of my ability. i like to cook and stuff but i dont think im that good at cooking. i ate and ate rice and meat. we talked and watched movies. fun but i left early b/c my mom. there i also found out that a certain person is mad at a certain person b/c a certain person (me) did a "random act of meanness" you could say. but it turns out that that certain person didnt really do it. you know what im saying? you would know if you knew. i didnt mean it in malice i thought it was quite funny in my mind. but then when i realized that people were hurt i began to realize that what i did was REALLY wrong and normally i dont do this but i feel bad. i dont like it when people dont like each other for stupid reasons and they let the little things get to them. i think it is the downfall of man. we are so stuck on the little things and in result we all end up hating people. i learned to respect my enemies and "turn the other cheek." i guess you could say i dont know this person well enough to justifiy the "act or meaness" so im sorry just wont cut it. i guess all the words in the world wont make up for it. but you know what, this person can hate me or anyone this person wants to. eveyone has the right to. just so you know, you will always have a friend in me. even if there was a strain a rift or we just dont talk in a long time, i would still say hello if i say you walking down the street 10 minutes from now or 10 years from now. but im kinda low self esteemish so you could say hi to me too, but then you would probably hate me so why would someone say hi if they hated me? hmm....anyways i would in some way acknowlege your presence. like buy you a beer if i saw you at a bar or something.

back to tv... in undressed they finished the high school one and it was ok. i guess. i have no life so tv is my life. im a boring person so i have nothing really to talk about. what else? you know? im boing and i want to go camping. so ill have stories

"its getting cold in here, (so cold) so put on all you clothes. I am getting so cold im gonna put my clothes on!

today was normal, church and then the usual. i woke up early to take a shower and then my hair was all over the place today. ah then i went to the store and bought my plaid shorts that i wanted and then i was happy.you know how im not going on the camping trip, well i feel really bad now b/c i WANT to go. i will feel so left out and it kinda suck especially with my church friends.i hate that feeling. i REALLY want to go and it kills me b/c my dads all like you were there last year. but you know what? that was last year and its going to be totally different this year. we are going with a different chaplain and its going to be fun. i just wish that my dad would realize these things. i wish my parents would be on the same page as me and be accepting of everything i do. i want to go to a community college not UCSB. i want to go to coasta mesa. i dont care.UCSB has nothing to offer to me at the current moment. i just want to live and be happy. if i live in SB i might be a little happy but not to the fullest extent. why can they just be supportive? thats all i ask for. anyways i washed the car and got another $10 and then i got a graduation card from my sunday school teacher from kindergarden with $20. i was so suprised. now i have some money and i have to save for stuff. i think im just going to buy my ear stretcher things and then keep my money for myself. then i fell asleep after i washed the car. i was knocked out till about 6pm. so i couldnt call stephanie. i feel bad. so maybe tomorrow we could go and shop. im kinda on the ify side b/c i really want to ask my mom if i can go on the rafting trip b/c i REALLY want to go. so i guess this week i will have to work on that.

so i go to a graduation party, charisses to be exact. it had LOTS of food and a jolly humper er i mean the jolly jumper. yeah. it was fun. there was some debachury going on in there and there were movies and talking and stuff. they tried to get vital info on me but i will not share. i havent really told anyone about my personal life. only that i want to go to OCC in coasta mesa. i feel really strong about it. im trying to go there b/c its sounds great. i was talking to my dad about it. and my brother tells me that my dad didnt really think that what i was doning was "respectable." the way i see it is that im in the same field as the person who is going to a UC that is majoring communications, or in physical education. it kills me that my parents tell me thats its my life, but i cant do this or that b/c it will hurt your life. AHHHH! it kills me. the way they see successful is totally different than i see successful.you dont have to go to a good university to be successful. people do it all the time. bah its a shame how parents just dont understand. people go through life making lots of money and they are not happy b/c they are doing something they dont love. i could be working for minimum wage and doing something i love and still be happy. as long as im happy doing something that love and enjoy is all that matters to me. i dont want to be unhappy and my parents want me to do something that makes me unhappy, why? errrr.... tomorrow is my sisters bday so i have to call her. oh well. what can i do? its my future.